The Guilty Meltdown Happened: The Odd Way Out

Feeling guilty is shite, and everyone experiences it differently. Some might feel guilty for lying, while others feel it for having certain preferences.

But in this blog, I want to talk about one guilty feeling that I felt recently.

Normally when I have an idea for a blog, I write it down, and it waits its turn. I have a long list of topics and ideas that I want to share on this blog.

But this time, it’s different. This time, I am writing directly after something has happened.

So I hope that by sharing my vulnerable side, others who feel the same way might find comfort and connection.

Disclaimer

This blog contains a section on self-harm, which is a very personal topic for me. However, I chose to share my struggles in the hope of helping others.
To maintain a safe space within this blog, I refrain from providing any explicit details. A trigger warning is included, allowing those who prefer not to read that section to proceed to the next.

My Irrational Guilty Scenario

I had 9 minutes to prepare my lunch—only 9 minutes.

I came home later than usual because I lost track of time. If you’ve been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know that I like to follow a strict routine. Meaning that meals are eaten on time, just like in the hospital. I managed to prepare everything on time, but as you can imagine, I was already stressed.

About 10 minutes later, my roommate knocked on my door, saying there was a delivery for me downstairs. First, she didn’t know it was for me; she just assumed. Second, she could have gone down herself, as I always bring up her parcels too. Third, when I’m eating, I can’t be disturbed. It throws me off.

So, I waited for ages for the lift to arrive (I live on the 11th floor) and picked up my parcels. All the lifts were at the very top of the building and only going higher, so I decided to run up the stairs. Arriving back in my room, stressed and out of breath, I sat down at my table and continued eating, trying to calm myself down.

My brain was all over the place!

Then it started to rain heavily, with thunder and lightning. I had to get up again to secure everything on my balcony because of the strong wind.

This was the moment I broke inside.

Why feel Guilty in a situation like this?

You might be thinking:

“Why are you making such a big deal about a small inconvenience?”

“Why does eating on time matter so much?”

“You seem too dependent on routines. Life is unpredictable.”

“This isn’t worth stressing over.”

And you know what, you are right. I know all of this. But do you think my eating disorder does? No. My eating disorder punishes me for the most unnecessary and irrational things.

Does anyone know what I mean?

I felt guilty for being interrupted. For going downstairs to get the parcels. For continuing to eat afterward. I was so full of guilt that I thought my brain would explode.

Before starting ‘real’ recovery, all of this guilt would have been the first slip into a relapse. The smallest events and scenarios would have been enough for my eating disorder to tell me that I was unworthy. Greedy. Alone. Hopeless. Ashamed. Unloved. Invisible. Disgusting.

But today, instead of spiraling into that dark place, I am choosing to share this experience. I am choosing to acknowledge the irrational guilt and not let it control me.

Recovery wins, y’all!

Releasing Guilty Feelings Incorrectly

Skip to ‘The odd way out: What I do instead‘

Whenever I feel guilty, I have the urge to do not-so-nice things. Not only towards my body but also towards my surroundings.

Trigger warning: *Self-harm

My eating disorder punishes me, making me do things that I have no control over.

Since I was a little girl, I have been struggling with self-harm. It started when I didn’t even know there was such a thing. While in primary school, I would damage my fingers by scraping them on the concrete playground floor. I vividly remember that I didn’t do this to harm myself; I did it because I didn’t feel the pain and because I found it to be satisfying.

I also did it to grab the attention of others. It sounds silly to say this, but the younger me enjoyed it, getting attention for the wrong things.

As I grew older, things took a turn for the better, and I stopped. However, during this time, a new urge emerged. I developed the urge to hit my head, causing bruising and headaches.

This was the hardest part to recover from.

Over time, as my body received proper nourishment, these actions slowly began to reduce.

Yet, I still struggle with it today.

I believe hitting my head was my way of trying to silence the eating disorder voice. I saw this illness as two separate beings: one being me and the other being my eating disorder.

We aren’t the same person, which is why I think those of us fighting it find it difficult to recover. The eating disorder is telling us the lies, while we are trying to navigate around them.

I haven’t done it for a while now. Being in the German hospital helped me with that. But as grateful as I am to admit that it has got better, I still struggle with the urges. After what happened in my ‘guilty scenario’, the urges were loud, and I acted upon them, but I was able to stop myself immediately.

The odd way out: What I do instead

Shaking therapy

When the urges arise, I take a minute or two to take a deep breath. I grab hold of something stable, and I keep my hands there until the urge has passed.

When I feel like I can control my actions, I start jumping up and down, shaking my body to let go of the negative energy. This shaking and jumping is known as shaking therapy.

It is a great way to ‘shake it off’ and release the energy. It gets your heart and the adrenaline pumping so that the negativity can exit your body.

Noise Therapy or in my words ‘SCREAM Therapy’

Screaming is such a relieving feeling. When you scream, you’re expelling built-up tension and stress from your body. It’s a physical release that can provide immediate relief, similar to how physical activities like exercise can help reduce stress.

During my last admission, the girls in my group and I would go into the nearby forest to scream. We would do this whenever we felt guilty, distressed, or when we felt like we needed it.

We’d repeat this ritual three times, inspired by the German saying “Alle guten Dinge sind drei” — all good things come in threes.

But since I live in a flat with someone, I don’t want to give her the fright of her life (nervous laugh). So, instead, I end up making some sort of weird noises, like screeching, that satisfy my needs without being too loud.

Doing the Gollum

What also helps me, is letting these feelings out through words. Almost like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, where he speaks in two different voices. One being the evil Gollum voice (Ed)and one being Smeagol (me)

Well, that is me. Can someone relate? So I am not alone in this comparison haha.

Talking out loud helps to release the thoughts that are intoxicating my brain. It’s almost like I am flushing all the negativity out and breathing the peace back in.

By speaking/shouting, I can get a clear sense of what each side of me is saying. That way, it is easier for me to figure out what’s true and what’s not.

Clench and release

By clenching your fists and then releasing them, it can effectively release negative energy. This simple technique helps reduce physical tension, alleviate stress, improve sleep quality, and promote overall feelings of well-being.

When I do this, I feel like I’m channelling all the negative energy into clenching my fists instead of harming myself.

I visualise the energy leaving my body through my fingertips as I release the clench. This process helps me healthily manage stress and negative emotions, providing a tangible sense of relief and calm.

These are just a few simple techniques that you can use. I will dig deeper into each technique in future blogs.

Please note that while they help me, they might have a different effect on you. Remember, we are all different, and what works for one person may not work the same way for another.

Gentle Reminder

Navigating guilt and coping with its impact can be a challenging journey. Remember to be kind to yourself along the way.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment, and know that it’s okay to seek support when needed. Whether it’s through therapy, reaching out to loved ones, or practicing self-care techniques, know that you are not alone.

Recovery is possible, and every step you take toward healing is a courageous one. Together, we can break free from the grips of guilt and embrace a life filled with compassion, understanding, and self-love.

Thank you for joining me on this journey of vulnerability and resilience. Take care, and remember, you are worthy of healing and happiness.