Anorexia Nervosa: Revealing the Best Help with Do’s & Don’ts

Do you know someone struggling with anorexia nervosa and want to help, but don’t know where to start?

You might be facing this mental health challenge for the first time. You are trying to communicate with your loved one, but they aren’t listening. Or you’re worried that saying the wrong thing might worsen their situation.

This guide will help you understand what to say—and what to avoid. With it, you’ll be able to offer compassionate and effective support.

Why is it important to know what helps and doesn’t?

Anorexia nervosa, like so many other mental health struggles, comes in all shapes and sizes. Everyone’s symptoms vary, and each person has different needs.

While it is not only beneficial to inform yourself for them it can also help you and your health. Learning about it isn’t just helpful for supporting your loved one—it can also protect your mental health.

I won’t sugarcoat it: this journey is a roller coaster. To help them effectively, you’ll need strength and patience, too.

When struggling it’s hard to reach out for help, and when help is offered we reject it.

Here are three key reasons why support matters most:


Avoiding Further Harm: Words can cause more harm than you think. Even a simple phrase like “I am so hungry” can trigger someone struggling with anorexia. 

Whenever I heard that, I immediately turned it against myself. I thought, They’re only saying this to make me eat, to make me fat. Just hearing the word "hungry" made me feel greedy. 

It may sound irrational, but that’s how mental health struggles work. They twist even the most innocent words into something harmful.

Shows that they are not alone: Anoreixa nervosa, isolates the person struggling, keeping them for itself and it doesn't like to share. 

What is important to keep in mind is that even if the person isn't reacting to your words, or they are going against it, just know that they are listening. More on that later.

Influence Recovery: Understanding what helps will enable your loved one to flourish in their recovery. 

After years of struggling, my dad learned which words could trigger the devil within me. Words like "dinner," "bread," and "snack" would send me spiraling, making recovery difficult at first. So, instead he started using code words—like "b" for breakfast and "s" for snack. 

While the ultimate goal of recovery is to return to normality, it’s crucial in the beginning to focus on nourishing the body so that the brain can function properly again. 

The DON’TS In Anorexia Nervosa Support

Please note that this is based on my experience. Everyone has different triggers; however, they do interconnect in some ways. I have also included insights from other patients I have met over the years to broaden the information.

Please DON’T comment on their body!

Let’s start with one of the most important DONTs—commenting.

Commenting on their appearance, only makes things worse. I understand how hard it can be to stay quiet, especially when their condition seems life-threatening, but by doing so, you’re feeding the eating disorder (ED) the attention it craves, further deepening the person’s suffering.

When I was at my lowest weight, any comments I received increased my body awareness—but in the worst way possible. Deep down, I knew something wasn’t right. I knew it wasn’t normal for my body to feel so sharp and pointy. But as soon as someone commented on my appearance, the eating disorder took hold again.

Commenting can also be damaging whilst in recovery. Many people with anorexia (though not all) struggle with body dysmorphia, seeing themselves as much larger than they are. During recovery, this battle intensifies before it begins to ease. I have now been in recovery for a year and I am still unable to have a mirror in my flat. It takes time.

DON’T mention food

Don’t start talking about how little you’ve eaten or about “healthy” vs. “unhealthy” foods. This can really stress the person.

My parents and sisters tend to wake up much later than I do, so by the time they were having breakfast, I’d already be eating my lunch—or worse, my afternoon snack. This difference in routine became a big trigger for me. It was one of the reasons why moving out and living on my own helped.

DON’T talk about calories and portions

When suffering from anorexia nervosa, you are so hyper-focused on portion sizes, weighing out every grain and obsessing about using the correct measuring equipment. For me, it was even the case that I had to check multiple times to see if my scales were working properly before I could use them. I only trusted that specific scale—no other scales would do.

Talking about portion sizes easily turns into unhealthy comparisons. It feels irrational to think that I would actually compare myself to a toddler because they were eating less than me!

DON’T mention calories/kcal/energy

Anorexia nervosa’s goal is to make us consume the least amount of nutrition possible. By mentioning calories, you’re waking up the eating disorder’s attention. Leading to disordered behaviors, like calorie-checking.

It becomes a habit over time, and we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Grocery shopping can turn into an all-day ordeal. I used to spend hours walking up and down aisles, checking every calorie and ingredient, comparing products until I’d give up. Often, I’d put the item back, and skip it altogether, without finding a replacement for it = restriction, smaller meals

The DO’s In Anorexia Nervosa Support

Please do listen

My parents really struggled with constantly hearing the eating disorder speak. They couldn’t hear their daughter anymore. Though it was incredibly hard for them, they stayed strong. They believed in me. By listening, they were able to gain a better understanding of the hell I was going through in my head.

In the hospital, I often felt unheard and completely alone. I felt like no one cared about what I had to say. Everything I did or said was quickly classified as the eating disorder.

For instance, during our “Come Dine With Me” activity, we were prohibited from having sushi. The reasoning? It was deemed a choice driven by our eating disorders to consume fewer calories. But in reality, all we wanted to eat was that god damm sushi. Mental hunger becomes incredibly real in recovery, and those restrictions only add to the feelings of isolation and misunderstanding.

So, listen carefully; you might just hear what the person truly needs.

Replacing the negative

The most powerful mindset shift is moving from “I must” or “I have to” to “I want.” When you hear a loved one saying things like, “I must go for a run,” “I have to skip this meal,” “I need to earn my food,” or “I have to follow what she (the ED) says,” then it is the eating disorder talking.

Challenge these thoughts. Make anorexia nervosa nervous. And don’t be afraid to push back.

My mum always challenged my eating disorder—it led to tears, arguments, and hatred. But without her doing this, I wouldn’t be where I am now, stronger than ever. Now, I can finally distinguish between the thoughts and behaviors driven by my eating disorder and those that come from me.

Do things at their own pace

In recovery can feel as if the whole world expects us to be “fixed” in no time. What many don’t realise is that real healing doesn’t work that way. My therapist once told me that full recovery can take up to twice as long as the illness lasted. Some people may never fully recover.

When I began eating again, I often heard comments like, “Oh, you’re finally eating again!” or “You look healthy—you don’t have an eating disorder anymore.” Hearing this only made my ED louder, pushing me to engage in disordered behaviors as if to prove it hadn’t disappeared.

How to Help

- Support them at mealtimes: Even just sitting with them, without pressuring, can offer reassurance. Once they feel ready then they will become more independnt and will be able to continue alone.

- Celebrate small wins: Recognize the courage it takes for each step, whether it’s trying a new food or facing a challenging moment. oVer time they too will be able to celebrate with you.

- Acknowledge their efforts: Let them know you see how hard they’re working and that it’s okay to go at their own pace.

Do inform yourself about anorexia nervosa

Understanding what you’re up against can give you deeper insight into the illness. This knowledge will help you prepare for the challenging journey ahead—one that you’re now committed to facing alongside your loved one.

Here are some great resources: (I have also written some articles about eating disorder hospitals)

• MayoClinic anorexia nervosa symptoms and causes
• Healthdirect anorexia nervosa types and treatment
• The Recovery Village: anorexia nervosa myths
• Anorexia nervosa facts and statistics
• A mum’s story about her experience with her ill daughter

You are ready to begin!

Now that you know the key do’s and don’ts, you’re prepared to start this rollercoaster journey. Mistakes will happen, but every misstep is an opportunity to learn and grow together.

Remember, everyone’s experience is unique, and it takes time to understand the best ways to support them—but you’ll get there. One day, your loved one will look back with gratitude, knowing they had you by their side every step of the way.