“Hello!… Hello!!… Can you hear me? I need your attention—I need you to listen to me. Bonjour? Hola? Oh, for goodness’ sake, give me the attention I need!”
Attention-seeking—it’s something we all do, whether we admit it or not.
But seriously, how often do we all feel that pull—the need to be seen, heard, or validated?
It’s natural to want attention, but when does it become too much?
In a world where social media dominates our daily lives, the need for attention has been growing fast over the years. With constant likes, followers, comments, and notifications, it is easy to get caught up in the obsession of attention-seeking.
What is Attention Seeking?
Attention-seeking can manifest in various ways.
Adults and children may act out, display excessive emotions, or constantly seek praise and affirmation to satisfy their need for recognition. Often, this behavior is linked to low self-esteem, as insecurity and the fear of rejection drive the person to seek external validation.
We all know that one person who always seems to steer the conversation back to themselves, right?
I’ve met plenty.
Attention Seeking: Cry for Attention or a Genuine Need?
A Cry For Help
A cry for attention often arises when someone is struggling internally but can’t directly express what they’re going through.
In the depths of my eating disorder, I found myself constantly pulling the attention back to me. It was my way of communicating my pain.
I was so mentally unwell that asking for help felt impossible, or in some ways, forbidden.
So, instead, I’d drop hints to my family, sharing things like:
“I feel guilty”
“I can feel my heart in my head”
"I'm cold"
"I shouldn't have done that"
"this is healthy/unhealthy"
“I’m exhausted”
And I would repeat this over and over again.
These were my subtle cries for help, even though I knew my parents what was happening.
Attention seeking
Person A: "Ugh, I need a haircut! I look awful."
Person B: "What?! No I think it looks great!"
Person A: (sighs) "Nah, I think I’m going to book an appointment tomorrow. The last hairdresser cut it wayyy too short. Do you know a good place?"
Person B: "Well, I usually go to—"
Person A: (cuts in) "Probably not. I mean, your hair never looked as good as mine. Do you think I should cut it even shorter or maybe dye it?"
Person B: "I think—"
Person A: "You know what? I’m thinking of getting a bob and maybe some highlights too."
Person B: "But didn’t you just say your last haircut was too short? And now you want to cut it even shorter?"
Person A: "Yeah, so? I changed my mind. Shorter is better!"
(Five minutes later...)
Person A: "Actually, you know what? I like my hair the way it is. I’ll just spend the money on something else."
They aren’t shy about sharing their ‘struggles’, endlessly talking, and they often tend to repeat themselves.
Instead of directly stating their need, they drag the topic on, stretching it out as long as possible.
Why? Because the longer they keep talking, the longer the attention stays on them. It's not necessarily about solving the problem—it’s about keeping the spotlight.
Validation and Attention Seeking
Why The Need For Validation?
What is so important about feeling validated and why do we crave it so much?
Filling an Emotional Gap:
When someone seeks attention, it often comes from a place of insecurity or uncertainty about themselves.
Compliments or praise from others provide a temporary boost, making them feel more confident and validated—at least for the moment.
It’s a quick fix, but not a lasting one. The need for validation arises when we feel something is missing inside, and external approval becomes the bandage for that emotional gap.
Boosting Self-Esteem:
Low self-esteem often leads to unconscious attention-seeking behaviors.
Have you ever been complimented with, “You look pretty today,” and responded with, “No, I’m not,” or “No, you’re prettier”?
This response doesn’t just brush off the compliment—it actually brings more attention your way.
The other person might insist, “No, you really are!” It can feel like a cycle, where we deflect attention because we don’t feel deserving, or because we believe the other person is more worthy of the spotlight.
Seeking validation becomes a way of trying to fill that gap in self-worth.
Social Media Attention:
Posting a picture or video online opens us up to the opinions of strangers.
For some, the likes, comments, and shares become the primary goal. The more engagement we receive, the more accepted or validated we might feel.
But this can quickly lead to unrealistic expectations. We often only see the highlights of someone’s life, so it’s easy to forget that behind every perfect photo or video, there’s a real person with real struggles.
The question is, what’s happening when the camera isn’t on? What does life look like when the likes stop coming?
Ultimately, the need for validation is rooted in a desire for connection and affirmation. When we don’t feel confident in ourselves, we look to others to provide the reassurance we can’t always find within.
Helping Someone With Attention-Seeking Struggles
Listening with reacting
You never know if someone is seeking attention because they genuinely need it or if it’s a silent cry for help. Sometimes, just listening can make a world of difference.
Interrupting or overreacting might encourage them to continue the behavior.
When someone seeks my attention, and I realize that’s what they’re after, I listen—but I don’t always react. By staying calm and not giving them the emotional response they’re looking for, they eventually stop because they aren’t getting the reaction they want from me.
(This depends on the situation, though! Don’t just ignore everyone now)
Don’t Ignore
Now, you might be thinking, “Didn’t you just say not to react?”
Yes, but there’s a difference between not reacting and outright ignoring them. Ignoring someone will only make them feel invisible, often making things worse in the long run.
They’ll feel more insecure and desperate for validation and may ramp up their behavior to regain your attention.
They feel invisible, and by acknowledging their presence, you are helping to take that insecurity away from them. Going back to the first point, I don’t react; I tweak the conversation to head in a different direction.
Encourage Self-Awareness
It’s often the case that someone seeking attention doesn’t realize they’re doing it.
This internal struggle plays out through their actions without their mind fully registering what’s happening. It’s almost like an automatic response to an emotional need they may not be conscious of.
If you help them become aware of their behavior, it gives them a chance to work on it—if they’re ready to, of course. Without that self-awareness, it’s hard for anyone to address their habits.
One way to gently bring this to their attention is by asking something like,
“What are you hoping for when you share this with me?”
They might not even know the answer themselves. This simple question can encourage them to pause and reflect on their motivations. It gets them thinking about what they truly need from the conversation.
Putting Yourself First
You may want to help this person not feel so alone or invisible, but it’s also important that you take care of yourself first.
If you’re constantly giving your time and energy to support them, you might find yourself drained, with nothing left for the things that make you happy. You’re emptying your cup without taking the time to refill it.
Put on your oxygen mask first before assisting others
Airplane Safety Announcement
Are You Still Here?
I am surprised you are still here.
I was hoping I could grab your attention for this long, because yah know…I am an attention seeker.
If you have come to realise that you, too, struggle with attention seeking, then I want you to ask yourself these questions.
- When was the last time I craved attention, and why?
- Am I seeking validation from others because I’m not giving it to myself?
- How do I feel when I don’t get the attention I want?
- What am I hoping to achieve when I steer the conversation back to myself?
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